Giving Feedback: I Called Him a Mule and He Thanked Me!

About a year ago a Director that worked for my company walked in my office and said “I hear you think I’m a mule.” I said “yep!” And it was one of the best talent management conversations I had that year.

A few days before, his supervisor came to my office struggling with getting through to the high potential Director. Effective talent management often takes a village, so I loved the time we invested in trying to figure out how to help the high potential Director.

At some point in the conversation, I described them as stubborn as a mule. He could do incredible work but was stubborn. His stubbornness impacted their relationship, and it was impacting the Director’s success in the organization. The Director was smart, he worked hard and cared for people. He also was in a unique position where he had more information than anyone else in the organization about his work. As such, he fell into a trap where he would spend a lot of time defending his ideas because he was certain that he knew more than others. To be clear, it wasn’t arrogance that was his blockade, it was his internal need to be right. They are different. His need to be right was born from professional pride, not a pursuit to dominate others. The Director was also one of the most likable team members in the company, so it was a weird dynamic.

At the tail end of my conversation with the Senior Director, we talked about ways to help the Director understand how he was getting in his own way. The Senior Director faced a difficult managerial choice of being direct or too direct when giving the Director feedback. It was a good and tough leadership challenge.

About a day later the Director entered my office, sat down and said “I hear you think I’m a mule.”

I said “yep!”

It was probably one of the most effective talent development conversations I had that year. In the year leading up to that conversation, I’d earned the right to give him clear feedback. He knew I was his advocate and that I wanted him to reach his full potential. I had also thought about him, as a leader, team member and human for countless hours. So, when I referred to his stubbornness, it was a true and deep analysis about what was holding him back. It wasn’t a slight and it wasn’t name calling, it was my non-clinical diagnosis.

In all fairness, his supervisor probably didn’t need to use those words when talking with him and he probably didn’t need to attribute the comment to me, even though I did say it. It degraded his autonomy as a leader and pushed it to me.

Throughout my career I have found it more effective to give high potential and loyal team members the feedback they need, rather than simply providing them positive feedback and encouragement. If I truly care about them, they deserve a combination of both.